In order to find a soul mate, the cool crap scenario that I have arranged for days in such a neat manner is like this:

Me: “The cellphone is good, Ma’am…”

Mbak: “Ehehe yes. The price is expensive, you know.”

Me: “Just for me, Ma’am, the cellphone?”

Mbak: “Huh! Don’t do it.”

Me: “Umm… If you can’t use the cellphone, can you just use the number, Ma’am?” *smiles a handsome smile*

Mbak: “Ouch Mas..” *blushes* *bites buttons*

Then sweetly, Ms. gave me her cellphone number. After that, we often texted, called, dated, married, the first night, my virginity was gone and I and Mbak lived happily ever after. That’s it…

But the reality on the ground often deviates very far from wishful thinking!

Me: “The cellphone is good, Ma’am.”

Mbak: “Yes, please. There’s a flashlight, you know.”

Me: “Just for me the cellphone?”

Ma’am: “Don’t go, Mas. My house often goes out because of the lights…”

Me: “Umm.. If you can’t use the cellphone, can you just use the number?” *handsome winks*

Mbak: “Oh, if it’s just the number, that’s fine, Mas. Here…” *unpacks cellphone* *gives SIM card*

Kill me all sis! Mbak is really retarded, just like her cellphone! What is the SIM card for?! There is already a jar at home, Mbak! Errr… *kicks electricity pole*

********

On another day and in a different place, with full confidence almost spilling over, I approached an innocent lady who was relaxing on the bus stop:

Me: “The cellphone is good, Ma’am?”

Mbak: “Mobile?!!!!”

Me: “Yes. Your cellphone is good. Is it okay for me?”

Mbak: “This is not a cellphone, Mas. This is a calculator, isn’t it?”

Me: “Huh?!” *face turns red*

And my next action was, grinning a hippopotamus, slowly back away away. Then stop the taxi, and head for the eye doctor!

********

A week later, after making sure that my eyes were fine, I approached a socialite who wanted to go to the fields.

Me: “The cellphone is good, Ma’am?”

Mbak: “Ah, how can a cellphone like this be said to be good? You just made it up…”

Me: “It’s good, Ma’am, it’s good, I swear. Just for me, okay?”

Mbak: “Okay, here take…”

Me: “Arrgghh! Cock sis! Just because you’re rich!” *runs away* *flips backwards*

God… Why do you always fail, maning, maning, son?! I screamed between the thunder and the pouring rain.

********

But of course I can’t just give up. My next target was a lady I met beside the village Posyandu.

Me: “The cellphone is good, Ma’am..”

Mbak: “Yes. You do have a Chinese cellphone, used, smuggled from Singapore!”

Me: “Hehe, you can do it, Sis. Emm… Just for me, right, Ma’am? Can you do that?” *puts on the most handsome smile I’ve ever had*

Ma’am: “What are you doing?! You’re so handsome! Your face is like a cracked, mottled, pockmarked latrine, black spots, belekan, jigongan, cungkring, after a long time my eyes will get cataracts watching your face, do you understand?! Wow! Your face already looks like the SHUKOI DISASTER! You don’t have to be so close to me like that? DISGUSTED!!!”

Me: *runs home* *takes a glass* *pours baygon* *mixes ice* *suctions with a pipette* *breathes foamy*

.